Friday, May 14, 2010

Hi :)

I am an impulsive nightowl. I've been lurking around blogspot and finally decided to make one. At midnight.
The title of my blog translates to "to the stars the hard way." it's from a science fiction story i recently read. To me it means dreams are great but you have to be willing to put in the effort. Something i've been lacking lately.

I try to keep a daily journal but it causes more stress than anything. I worry too much about it. I worry about writing everyday, worry about my handwriting appearing somewhat legible, writing out everything i want to say is time consuming. I fall days behind and obsess with getting caught up. Currently i am 3 months behind.
The thing with me is i go weeks with nothing interesting to write and then when stuff finally happens i don't have time to write them down.
For example:
I was recently in a relationship. I regret not writing about it at the moment it was happening. I have really great memories and things i want to always remember. But now i'm brokenhearted and the last thing i want to do is write them down. I know in future days i want to look back on all the great stuff, its just too painful right now.
He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first valentine... my first everything pretty much. Sure i've gone on dates here and there but not too many second dates. I'm 25. One day my guy friend and i just decided to "practice" kissing. its funny because i was the one who said no feelings would be invovled. i didn't realize at the moment it was me who was scared of falling. Boy did i fall. he just wasn't ready to catch me.

im busy sorting out my feelings still. I want him in my life since we were friends before. i've never been so close with someone before and im terrified of not even being able to handle myself around him. Yet it would kill me to see him with another girl.

i know i'm not the first to go through it, and i won't be the last, but it still hurts. Music helps but sometimes the songs hit too close to home and i just crumble to my knees. i hate that he has that affect on me. i hate that he's already ready to move on.
After 6 months together he told me he didn't have feelings for me. he never lied to me though. he always said it "wouldn't be serious." I was a stupid girl who thought he would change his mind. Basically the story of 500 Days of Summer just the roles are reversed.
I gave him everything.
I asked him if i could have an old shirt of his. First he said okay. Now he says no because he feels weird since he dumped me. i still want it for memory's sake. I keep everything. I save movie tickets, fortune cookie slips, birthday cards. i like having tangible keepsakes. Maybe he's right. I basically just want the shirt so i could smell him still.

I don't know what i want this blog to be. I'll add pictures some day soon. I just pretty much need a place to vent.
Sometimes i would open a random blog and find a comforting quote or picture and it would inspire me. Other times i would find someone talking and relate to them. If someone stumbles upon this then that would be pretty great.
I guess that's enough for tonight. The rest of my night will be spent on LOST related websites. I'm pretty much really nerdy and i have been obsessed with the show since the beginning. Can't believe it will all be ending next weekend.

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