Detox

I went home for Thanksgiving. Spent a week visiting with family and friends.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, you get all the festivities of Christmas but no obligation and worrying over gifts. Just food and family :)

Saw three movies, Love and Other Drugs (**) Tangled (***) and Harry Potter (****) Those are my sad attempt at rating them. I liked Harry the best. It was dark, funny, mysterious, and epic.

While home I spent some time with my ex. I was able to visit with him on 2 of the 5 days I was home. I miss him more than i remembered. Now it will take a few days to get used to not having him near me. Then it will be like he doesn't exists until I see him next. So in a way he's still my drug and now comes the painful detox.

On another note, instead of going out shopping on Black Friday, I took 5 bags of clothes to the Salvation Army. I completely cleaned out my closet at my parents house. I got rid of all band tee shirts I hadn't worn since high school. I was a little skate punk back then. I put on my old pants and marveled in how much my style has changed.

Getting rid of old clothes is like shedding your old skin. I threw out a whole person! Choosing what to donate was tough but overall I feel lighter and more free.

I also created a tumblr here ---> :D hopefully the link works.

PS. My Chemical Romance's new cd is amazing! Sure the sound has changed but all great bands must evolve at some point. I found myself dancing to Planetary Go and I never thought I woudl find myself dancing to an MCR song. It's all good though.

You say i'm changing that i'm not just simply aging...

I have done things in the past year I thought I would never do. I have become a completely different person. I've changed but that doesn't mean its wrong. I believe if you have regrets it means you aren't happy with yourself. Everything you do leads to who you are. I've done some things I'm not necessarily proud of but I wouldn't change a thing. If anything I'm happy I can say I have had the experience.

My past week

• I got two micro-dermal piercings on my collar bone
• Found a four leaf clover
• Fell asleep in someone's arms
• My David Bowie album is being mailed to me :)
• Found out my cat Bowie has fleas :(
• Discovered the joy of drinking juice straight from the carton
• Got a bouquet of flowers delivered at my work
• Bought my first store-bought Halloween costume.

Last year I did a Picture-a-Day project, i'd really like to start again. I think i'll start on Halloween..

All of the above?

Resting

Thanks to the season changing, my sinuses have been acting up. Runny nose and sneezes greet me when i wake up. I was feeling like I was getting a cold today. So I spent my evening in bed with a big bowl of chicken soup. I used the chance to catch up on Hellcats. I saw the premire and now I am addicted to all the episodes that are online. It's turning into a pretty good show. Much more than just cheerleading.

Why do all the shows on the CW revolve around one blonde friend and one brunette friend? Like One Tree Hill Payton was blonde and Brooke was brunette. Gossip Girl has Serena (blonde) and Blair (Brunette.) Just a thought.

I also started to reread the Harry Potter novels. I can't believe they were first published when I was 12! Wow 13 years ago. I read them so fast the first time I didn't really take them in like i wish i had. So i'm rereading them so I can relive the magic. Plus it gives me something to read on the bus.

Angel > Edward

I have finally finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I watched it when I was in high school, wow it's already been seven year since then... scary O_o. But I never saw the final two seasons.

Well over the past month I've been watching them. Putting in the final dvd was so bittersweet. I grew up with the Buffy/ Angel relationship. So when Twilight happened I was like "been there done that." not to say I don't like twilight, I just wish people would give some credit to Joss Whedon for writing Buffy.

SO yeah... I was happy with the ending. Not gonna lie... I got chills and cried a little bit.

The thing that made Buffy such a great show was even though she was chosen to be the "one girl in all the world" to fight vampires she still relied on her group of friends. They were side by side until the end. Also I loved the fact that they relied on lots of research and their hang out place was the school library. The bookworm in me loved that :)

"Done is better than perfect." So true. I waste so much time planning things out and stressing over details that it takes me forever to accomplish things. I need to learn to just jump in and do things, like homework, journaling, blogging... everything!

The ground is starting to crunch again with the fallen leaves of autumn and i love it. Fall is my favorite season. It's the time to break out the hoodies, drink warm drinks and tell scary stories. Wish i had someone to cuddle with on the cool, moonlit nights.

There's a boy in my class i like. It feels nice to have someone I can't wait to see everyweek. I find myself worrying about my hair and what to wear. It feels nice again :)

Eeeep i splurged on myself and ordered the special edition of My Chemical Romance's new album. I love that band so much. They never cease to amaze me. I miss going to their concerts and escaping from life for a couple hours. Hopefully they tour soon.

I'm Still Here!!!

Wow how my life has changed in just a couple months! I'm living on my own now, an entire state away from my family. Having to maintain my own apartment is a learning experience. I've never had to do chores and suddenly having to do them all is eye opening. Man was I spoiled!

Also I was planning to bring my cats that are 19 years old. But sadly I had to leave them behind with my parents. It kills me everyday. But as luck would have it, my friend found a stray and I ended up adopting it. His name is Bowie (after David Bowie.) He is the sweetest, friendliest cat ever!

Ummm I bought a Mac laptop and love it! (i think this is brilliant, wish i were talented enough to draw that on mine.)

Also I attended a Twilight convention with a couple friends. I'm not a huuuuge fan but I do like the escape it offers. We stayed over night at a hotel for two nights and we got to meet some actors and actresses from the series. I fell in love with Michael Welch. He plays Mike Newton. He is a sweetheart. (i totally got caught grabbing his muscle :D)

Maybe I'll write another blog dedicated to the convention and pictures. It was definitely an experience. Going next year and am excited!

Other than that it's been all about settling into school life. Learning how to budget my money so I can pay rent and bills. FUN.

I plan to blog more now that I have an internet connection.

Gossip Girls

I'm a huge fan of the book series and tv series Gossip Girl. My favorite character is Serena because of Blake Lively. I think she has a natural beauty and she always seems happy.
Now i'm turning into a Taylor Momsen fan, or Little Jenny Humphrey. She has a rock band called the Pretty Reckless and its actually awesome. They have a dark vibe and she has a great voice. I was able to see them preform live a few days ago at the Vans Warped Tour. Here is what she wore. I love the edgyness of it. Perhaps its a bit risque for a 16 year old to wear but i love the rock and rollness of it and i feel she pulls of the look. I like the gold studs.
Met the band after the show. She showed up while smoking a cigarette. Sure i smoke occasionally but im not 16! That was surprising.

Quick update

I haven't written in almost a month and a lot of things have changed. I went to visit my friend in Inidana and decided to move there on my own. I applied to the University and i got accepted! So in a couple weeks I'll be moving into my very own apartment! Im both excited and terrified. i've never had to do any chores so it' going to be a new experience having to do my own dishes and laundry and such. Plus i get to take my two cats with me.
That is pretty much my biggest news.
At work yesterday my Blackberry got stolen :( I had about 500 pictures on it that i hadn't backed up. Im so sad that they are lost memories now. Plus i had notes and poems written on it and some saved texts that made me smile everytime i read them.
oh well.
Im going to take some time to write out a more in depth blog with some pictures.

What's In My Purse

I've seen a few bloggers do this so I thought I'd join in.

I love my David Bowie purse! I bought it last summer at a music festival and i was so excited. I love Bowie :D
I have my new Nintendo wallet. Im a big gamer so i literally squealed with joy when i saw it in the store. I needed a new wallet anyway. Then i have my Blackberry phone that is always wherever I am. I have my cigarette case and a lighter for the occasional smoke with my friend. Then i have my little container of Tums. I have a fear of being sick, feeling nauseous and throwing up. So its just a comfort thing to have them with me. I'm weird.
I have a rollon perfume called Japanese Cherry Blossom from Bath and Body Works. It smells incredible!
Finally I have my MAC Lipglass in Delight. I love anything MAC... when i can afford it. It's a luxury of mine.
Speaking of luxury... here was the manicure i had today. It was my first time having professional fake nails put on. Definitely worth the 20 dollars. Now i'm busy trying to adapt to them. I usually keep my nails really short. Typing is proving to be a bit of a challenge. All i hear is click click click...
Tomorrow i leave for Indiana for the weekend. So excited! i need to finish packing though. Once again i hope i can sleep early. Last night as soon as i laid down i got ideas for some poems. They kept bugging me so i had to get up and write them down. Maybe once i put the finishing touches on them i'll post them here.

Namaste

My best friend is visiting from out of town and i'm so happy! I get to go back home with her and stay for a week. Definitely what i need at the moment.
We have been staying up til 5 in the morning watching movies and talking. Also some midnight runs to the grocery store for snacks.
i can go months and years without seeing her but as soon as we get together it's like no time has passed.
I had one final night with my ex. We both agreed it was the end and it was amazing. Couldn't have asked for a better last memory. We just laid in the dark and talked for an hour. It felt so natural and like we were back to truly being just friends and we were comfortable with it. I feel at peace and like i had closure. Then on the way home we stopped for ice cream. We sat outside in the warm summer night and ate it. It was perfect.
Tomorrow i have a girls day with my friends. Total girls day. Getting our nails done, going shopping, and mini golfing. I'll try to take some pictures to post here.
There's a contest to win some beautiful rings here.
Well i'm off to get some rest hopefully for tomorrow. That's doubtful though because i just made some coffee and plan to organize my computer files.

What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I thought working with my ex would be awkward and apparently so did he because he made it so he would come into work as i left. The one time our shifts overlapped for a half hour he spent that time texting and ignoring me. i possibly wouldn't have minded it but the day before that he decided we should take advantage of him having the house to himself. I'm just so tired of being used and of allowing myself to be. I was okay with the "friends with benefits" thing but then he doesn't treat me like a friend after. When i asked him to hang out the next day he said he felt like i was trying to make it like we were dating again. So what? We get together once a month for the "benefits" and then not see each other for weeks? No thanks. Now i just need willpower to say no.

Tonight, after not texting for 4 days, he texted and asked if i was mad at him yet for not texting me lately. i told him no because honestly i don't even care anymore. It makes me mad that he does things purposely to hurt me. Even if he cared for me just as a friend he shouldn't want to do things to upset me right? I mostly just wish he was a better person than he really is. It's hard coming to grips with the fact that i fell for someone who never really appreciated or wanted me. i gave him all of me and i got screwed in every sense of the word.

We texted for a while and we are stopping the "friends with benefits" thing. Now he says seeing me is too much temptation. Then he let it slide that he's going to Germany in a couple weeks. He'll be gone a month. Part of me knows it'll be good to have him completely gone for a while but then part of me knows i'll be worrying about him over there partying and meeting strange girls. I'm making a vow that from now on my blogs will be more postive. I'm willing myself to be done and over all this pain. it's not fair for me to be hurting when he obviously isn't. I decided to shower to make myself feel better. then i remembered i bought the same shampoo he uses because i like how his hair smells. Needless to say the shower was spent with me crying :( I'll be buying new shampoo tomorrow.
This is the kind of love I want...

"Collect the moments one by one, That is how the future's done..."

Summer is finally here. The weather has been beautiful and sunny. I've spent entire days outside reading. My favorite thing to do in summer is put on my shorts and walk around the house while listening to music. For some reason wearing shorts makes me feel carefree and confident.
Last week I went with some friends to the midnight premire of the Prince of Persia. My ex decided to join us. I was fine with it. Sometimes it's not fair though. Like when we arrived i could tell he had just showered and he smelled really good. It's such torture really. Then at the theater there weren't enough seats in a row so we had to split up. We sat in seperate rows and he didn't seem to mind. Before the movie started i needed to take a breather. At that moment it all seemed to pile on me. The fact we were sitting in the same room but not together. It was the first time we have seen a movie and not sat together. I got up and left the room. I was heading to the bathroom to be alone for a few minutes and just as i turned the corner i saw this :
I've been a casual fan of Sex in the City for awhile. I own a couple seasons and i'm just starting to watch them. Its strange but i'm 25 and my mom still doesn't think i'm old enough to watch them. LOL. i had to buy the dvds in secret. Seeing the poster was kind of like seeing a picture of Audrey Hepburn. The way SJP is just marching towards her future with not fear and total confidence and poise. I told myself "i can do that too." It was really what i needed at that moment. So i bought a bottle of water and settled back in to watch the movie. "Carrie On" indeed.
Being able to stare at Jake Gyllanhall for a couple hours didn't hurt either :P
The next day i went with a few girlfriends to see the Sex in the City movie. It wasn't too great plot wise. The clothes were amazing though. I think what i love about Sex in the City is the friendship the women have. They get together for lunches and always talk so candidly about their lives and love. Just recently I've re-established an old friendship and i've found i can really open up with her again. It feels nice. We have shared some same experiences guy-wise and it feels helpful to know the things i've done aren't shameful or as big mistakes as i first thought.
Other than that i've just been working alot. There is a guy that comes into the restaurant that i work at quite frequently. I haven't really had the chance to talk to him but i've looked quite enough :) Actually my guy friend was who pointed him out to me. He always told me he (the guy) resembled Edward from Twilight. He kindof does too but not too much. Now i have been dared to ask him if he is single. But now my guy friend (my ex's brother) is out of town so i have to work alot more. Also i have to work side by side with my ex... for 7 hours a day. this should be interesting.

Ooops

All I've been doing this past week is working and hanging out with friends. Saw a few movies. I'll write a blog on Monday I promise. The weather is finally warm here so I've been hanging outside alot. Not my natural habitat:) I much prefer a cozy basement. I'm that kind of nerd.

Plans

I feel so scatterbrained lately. Feel like i have so much to do but then i procrastinate and accomplish nothing. I jump from project to project and never finish. Well I'm going to get down to business tonight for sure. Just brewed a fresh pot of coffee and am settling down to write some in my journal. Sometime in the upcoming week i plan on designing a better header for this blog. other things on my to do list are...

• watch dvds that are borrowed from friends
• read books borrowed from friends
• clean room
• work on my Blythe doll's hair
• write in my five year journal and daily journal
• make an exercise playlist on my Zune and start working out

Day Five: Favorite food

My favorite food is sushi. I like trying new kinds. I've been lucky enough not to have had "bad" sushi. Everytime i try a new one im a little scared of food poisoning. I just learned that the spicyness of wasabi actually kills some of the bacteria. I just love how fresh and light sushi tastes. It seems like a small meal but is actually quite filling. Plus i think each piece looks like a work of art. So colorful and neat.

Day Four: Favorite Book

My favorite book is Catcher in the Rye. I read it first as a teenager and didn't understand it at all. In fact i hated it. I thought it made no sense.
But then years later i reread it and loved it. When i first read it i was naive about things. After Semptember 11th happened i sunk into a depression. I was 16. I asked my parents questions about things like "would that happen near us?" and they answered "we don't know." After that day the world no longer felt safe and my parents didn't have all the answers i thought they did. I became disenchanted. At that point i reread the book and i related to Holden. I reread it ever couple of years and i always seem to find some new passage to love or a part that speaks to me differently than before.

I'm a day behind on my blog. I got sidetracked by LOST last night. Spent the night reading blogs and cross-stitching. Then today i got into a mood that made me miss my ex terribly. Somedays are worse than others. it's been a month already. Why can't i be over this?
I try to listen to upbeat songs. It feels more like im trying to brainwash myself into being fine.

How I spent my weekend

• Started this blog
  
• Had a sore throat that turned into a cold.
• Got hooked on a book series called Pretty Little Liars
• bought a variety pack of 15 muffins (yum :p)
• worked a couple days (one 12-hour day)
• Discovered Regina Spektor
• Bought a lotto ticket with the LOST numbers (4,8,15,16,23,42)
• introduced my 6yr old niece to Where's Waldo, and now she finds him faster than i do
• drank a pina colada, tecate beer, and a Heineken (all in one night)
• had a great conversation
• bought a PSP
• missed someone
  

Rendezvous then im through with you...

I can go days without thinking of my ex but then some little thing will set a memory off. We try to hang out as friends. I try my hardest to ignore just how badly i still want him. We do good for a bit. Then maybe i say something i shouldn't. Or he touches my arm. Then we fall back into each other because we are too comfortable. Sometimes i see it as him testing me. Seeing if i have the power to refuse him. I never do. I try to enjoy it and live in the moment. Like soon he might have another girl but right this instant he's still mine. But yet he's not mine anymore. Gah it's so confusing. Somedays im okay with it all but somedays i feel used. Old habits are hard to break i guess.
To make things more difficult, i am best friends with his brother. So even when i try not to think about him, his name comes up all the time.
I don't want him out of life though. He's the one person i can be completely open and unguarded around. I'm scared of losing the person i was when i was around him.
I've been distracting myself. I watch tons of DVD's, i read alot. I started to learn how to cross-stitch. All in an attempt to forget my feelings. Somedays they haunt me more than others. Now if only this needle could stitch up my heart.

Day Three: Favorite Musician

My freshmen year of High school i discovered a band called Blink-182. They have changed my life so much. They were my first concert, i don't count Backstreet Boys.
Each of their cds reminds me of certain times in my life. The songs weren't the most serious or life changing. They were fun and often immature.
A few years ago i was in a car accident with my friends. It was raining and dark. We were all scared and sitting in the back of the police car waiting for a ride. The police car sounds bad. We weren't in trouble, just staying out of the rain.
He tried to make conversation and asked what we had bought at the mall we had been coming from. I mentioned a cd and he asked if i liked Blink. I said i loved them. He then put them on his stereo and it brought me to tears.
My favorite memeber, and musician, is Tom Delonge. He is one of my role models. After the breakup of Blink 182 and formed a band called Angels and Airwaves. The songs all have inspirational meanings. He has matured and so has his music. His lyrics always give me hope in my lowest moods.
Two years ago i actually got to meet him. I was so starstruck. i was talking so fast, telling him he's my hero and how his songs mean a lot to me. He had to keep walking because his guards were pushing him but he stopped and took my camera and took our picture. Thank god i have the picture because sometimes it doesn't feel real, like i really met him. By far one of the best days of my life.

Day Two: Favorite Movie

Hmmm once again i have a few favorites.
If i know a movie is based on a book i try to read the book first. It had always been a goal of mine to read Gone With the Wind. Im not scared of large novels, i absolutely love them. I devoured Gone With the Wind. I read it whenever i gt the chance. The written language sounds more sophisicated than it is now adays. The movie is long, like 4 or 6 hours, i can't remember which. Its amazing though. To see what Scarlett goes through in her life and she always fights to remain strong. Not to mention how handsome Clark Gable is in it.
But on a rainy, gloomy day, i love to watch Across the Universe. It's a musical set to Beatles music. It's interesting to see how the director created a story using characters and interpretations of the songs. The actors sing the songs so well. Sometimes i put the dvd in like i would a much loved cd and use it for background noise.
Another movie that puts me in a good mood is Gardenstate. Zach Braff from the show Scrubs, wrote, directed, and starred in it. Its a movie i fully relate to. It's quirky but loveable. I take quotes from the movie and write them in various journals i have.
Some comedy's i love are Superbad, Zoolander,Waitress, Hot Tub Time Machine, The House Bunny and Bring it On.
Other movies are 500 Days of Summer, The Breakfast Club, Ghostworld, The Ring, The Lost Boys, Edward Sissorhands, Fight Club, Big, Star Wars, and Star Trek.
I have a weakness for musicals. As i already mentioned Across the Universe is my absolute favorite but i also love Moulin Rouge. Ewan McGregor is gorgeous in it.
He's so talented, i melt whenever he sings "Your Song." The way he looks at Satine in the movie, with so much love, is how i want a guy to look at me someday. He sees so much goodness in her that she didn't see in herself i think. It's one of my favorite love storys.
I can't conclude this blog without mentioning Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long blog. I'm going to consider it a "movie" now that it's been released on dvd. It started as just a webisode created by Joss Whedon starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. If you love Joss Whedon (he created Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse...) then it's a must see. My friends and i quote and sing the songs all the time. and i mean ALL THE TIME!

Day One: Favorite Actor

Im copying BM's blog and stealing her list of 30 Days of blog topics. Since I'm new to this i figure i can use it to help introduce myself.
So here goes...
It's hard to list just one actor. I have so many that i love for different reasons and depending on different moods.
I love John Cusack. He's from Chicago suburbs like i am. I love his 80's movies. I dream of the day a man holds a radio outside my window like he did in Say Anything... such an iconic film moment.
I adore Tom Hanks. How could anyone hate him? He's adorable in BIG which is one of my favorite movies. He's so cute and innocent in it. Just want to hug him.
When i need a laugh i know i can count on Jason Segel. And i also always laugh at John Ritter in Three's Company. I love watching old episodes at 3am. As soon as i hear the theme song i feel safe and comfortable. And i hum along...
As far as crushes go i am smitten with Chris Pine. He's one guy i would refer to as "yummy:)"
Also i talk alot about Nathan Fillion from Firefly. I love sci-fi and i love his sarcasm. My friend got me an autographed picture of him for my birthday and i nearly peed my pants.
Lastly, his career was cut tragically short, James Dean. The few movies he was in were brilliant. My all time favorite is East of Eden. The way he portrayed his character gives it so much heart. It brought me to tears.Actresses i love are strong women. I admire Drew Berrymore. I believe she's truly beautiful inside and out. She's made mistakes but she's always seemed to learn from them and move on. She's so postive.
I admire Ellen Page. I think she's a comidic genius. She can say the funniest lines and not crack a smile. She's so talented. Juno and Whip It are amazing because of her.
I love Roseanne Barr. I spend hours a night watching Roseanne reruns on late night tv. She's unafraid to speak her mind and be bithcy.
Lastly, in this past year i finally watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and i realized why people are so taken with Audrey Hepburn. She's so classy and dignified. I wish i had her grace.