What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I thought working with my ex would be awkward and apparently so did he because he made it so he would come into work as i left. The one time our shifts overlapped for a half hour he spent that time texting and ignoring me. i possibly wouldn't have minded it but the day before that he decided we should take advantage of him having the house to himself. I'm just so tired of being used and of allowing myself to be. I was okay with the "friends with benefits" thing but then he doesn't treat me like a friend after. When i asked him to hang out the next day he said he felt like i was trying to make it like we were dating again. So what? We get together once a month for the "benefits" and then not see each other for weeks? No thanks. Now i just need willpower to say no.

Tonight, after not texting for 4 days, he texted and asked if i was mad at him yet for not texting me lately. i told him no because honestly i don't even care anymore. It makes me mad that he does things purposely to hurt me. Even if he cared for me just as a friend he shouldn't want to do things to upset me right? I mostly just wish he was a better person than he really is. It's hard coming to grips with the fact that i fell for someone who never really appreciated or wanted me. i gave him all of me and i got screwed in every sense of the word.

We texted for a while and we are stopping the "friends with benefits" thing. Now he says seeing me is too much temptation. Then he let it slide that he's going to Germany in a couple weeks. He'll be gone a month. Part of me knows it'll be good to have him completely gone for a while but then part of me knows i'll be worrying about him over there partying and meeting strange girls. I'm making a vow that from now on my blogs will be more postive. I'm willing myself to be done and over all this pain. it's not fair for me to be hurting when he obviously isn't. I decided to shower to make myself feel better. then i remembered i bought the same shampoo he uses because i like how his hair smells. Needless to say the shower was spent with me crying :( I'll be buying new shampoo tomorrow.
This is the kind of love I want...